Stillbirth: Holding Love & Loss Together

Stillbirth - It is a kind of loss that can feel impossible to put into words—because it holds both love and heartbreak at the same time.

By this point in pregnancy, there has often been connection.
You may have felt movement, chosen a name, imagined who your baby might become. You may have already begun to love them in a very real and tangible way.

And so, when loss happens, it is not just the loss of a pregnancy.
It is the loss of your baby, and the future you were beginning to build with them.

You are not alone (even if it feels that way)

In Canada, about 1 in 125 pregnancies ends in stillbirth, or roughly 3,000 families each year.

Even though it is not rare, it is often not spoken about.
This can make the grief feel incredibly isolating.

If you are here, in this space, please know:
you are not the only one who has walked this path—and you deserve to be supported through it.

A gentle truth about why this happens

Sometimes, there are medical explanations—such as issues with the placenta, infections, or other complications.
And sometimes, even after testing, there are no clear answers.

One of the hardest and most important truths to hold onto is this:

This was not your fault.

Nothing you did—or didn’t do—caused this.

Even if your mind searches for reasons, or replays moments over and over, your body did not fail you.

The Physical Experience: When Your Body Still Thinks You Have a Baby

One of the most disorienting parts of stillbirth is that your body continues as though your baby is here.

This can feel confusing, painful, and deeply unfair.

Postpartum Healing

Your body will go through a full postpartum recovery, which may include:

• Bleeding for a few weeks

• Cramping as your uterus heals

• Hormonal shifts that can impact mood and energy

• Physical recovery from labour or cesarean birth

Even in grief, your body deserves rest, nourishment, and care.

When Your Milk Comes In

A few days after birth, your milk may come in.

You might notice:

• Fullness or heaviness in your breasts

• Leaking milk

• Tenderness or discomfort

For many, this can feel like a heartbreaking reminder of what should have been.
For others, it may feel like a quiet connection to their baby.

There is no right way to feel about this.

Gentle options for caring for your body

If you would like your milk to dry up:

• Wear a soft, supportive bra

• Use cool compresses for comfort

• Take pain relief if needed (as recommended by your provider)

• Try to avoid stimulation (like pumping), as this can increase supply

Your body will slowly adjust over time.

If you feel drawn to expressing or donating milk:

• Some parents choose to gently pump or donate as a way to honour their baby

• This can be supported by a lactation consultant if it feels right to you

Both paths are valid. What matters is what feels most supportive for you.

Honouring Your Baby: There is No One Right Way

One of the questions that often comes quietly, and sometimes unexpectedly, is:

“What do I do now?”

Especially when it comes to your baby’s memory, or their ashes, if cremation is chosen.

There is no single right answer.
There is only what feels meaningful, gentle, and true to your relationship with your baby.

And it’s okay if you don’t know right away.

If you don’t want to bury your baby

Not everyone feels comfortable with burial.
For some, it feels too final. For others, it doesn’t feel like the right fit.

There are many other ways to keep your baby close:

• Keeping the ashes in a special place at home

• Placing them in a piece of memorial jewelry

• Dividing ashes between meaningful spaces or loved ones

• Incorporating ashes into glass art or keepsakes

• Keeping them somewhere you can visit often, rather than a cemetery

Some parents simply choose to wait—to keep the ashes safely until they feel ready to decide.
There is no timeline for this decision.

Ways to honour your baby’s life

Honouring your baby doesn’t have to be big or permanent.
It can be quiet, personal, and evolving.

Some gentle ways families choose to remember:

• Saying or choosing your baby’s name

• Writing letters to them

• Lighting a candle on special dates

• Planting something that grows and changes over time

• Creating a memory box (photos, footprints, hospital items)

• Wearing something that reminds you of them

• Donating or giving in their name

You are allowed to create a relationship with your baby that continues in a different way.

A Gentle To-Do List for the Days and Weeks After

Not as a checklist to complete—but as small anchors to support you.

For your heart and mind

• Let yourself grieve in your own way and time

• Talk to someone safe, if and when you’re ready

• Gently remind yourself: this was not your fault

• Limit exposure to things that feel overwhelming or triggering

For your body

• Attend postpartum checkups

• Rest as much as you can

• Nourish yourself with food and hydration

• Seek care if something doesn’t feel right physically

For support

• Accept help where you can (meals, childcare, company)

• Look into grief or loss support if it feels right

• Include your partner, if applicable, knowing grief can look different

For moving forward (slowly, gently)

• There is no timeline for “feeling better”

• There is no rush to make decisions about ashes, rituals, or next steps

• There is no right time to think about the future

A Final Note

If you are holding this kind of loss, you are carrying something incredibly heavy.

And yet, within that grief, there is also love—real, enduring love for your baby.

That love does not disappear.
It simply changes shape.

You are allowed to:

• Miss your baby

• Speak their name

• Honour them in ways that feel right to you

• Take all the time you need

Your baby mattered.
And so do you.

If you want to connect with other parents who have experienced this loss, or would like us to connect you with trusted resources, please email us at brightcollectivecw@gmail.com